"Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself" ~Sartre

I took one of those usual PA-runner gigs again. Everytime I take one, I hate myself for it. I cannot say no and I don't know why. Or at least, I haven't been able to say no and I didn't know why.

But my loser days are officially over.

A very annoying event has marked the end of my time with this place. I was sent on a run, that was supposed to take a good full 2-hours. I was expected to finish it in 1. And when I ran late, my immediate boss called me 4 times in 20 minutes to get the update on how close I was to being done. The fact that I was late had been 100% my boss' fault (because she gave me mundane tasks before she sent me on the errand) and at the end, she put 100% of the blame on me when a whole bunch of people were waiting for me to go out for lunch.

OK, may be I could've called 20 mins before I was expected to be back and had told them I still had another hour to finish the job. But still....Once she knew I was going to be late, she could've just stopped calling. 

I was put under stress and was very annoyed. Not only that, but she goes, "yes, this errand is one of the hardest part of this job." For fucking real? It won't tell you what the errand is but it is something everyone does on weekly, sometimes daily basis...And no, it isn't hard. And the fact that she said it was the "hardest" part of the job made me sound like a "loser," "idiot," " assistant." Listen honey, I at least know how to manage people since I managed 50-60 people at a time before. How many have you not micro-managed? 

And that was the moment, when the ropes went untied; when the fuse blew; when the lights went out.

That was IT for me. Yep. I decided, I wouldn't be back for one other day to that location. I thought to myself, "I have a master's. I don't deserve to do this shit, or take shit from anyone. Even if it might mean I end up broke and have to go back to my hometown to live with my parents, so be it!"

And here's why I thought that:

Sartre once said, a man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.

A man is what he makes himself to be.

I was speaking to one of my intelligent friends, who told me about how the popular kids in her college ended up making more money now; and she and her group of friends - the regular kids in college- became the working class. That has probably been because of the way the popular kids carried themselves; how they perceived themselves; how they "made" of themselves "something."

How you perceive yourself affects the way others perceive you. That will affect the jobs you get, the men/women you attract.

And I figured, by taking these shit jobs, I was setting myself out as the "person who will do anything; will not consider any task too small." True, I was that person about 3 months back. But now, my priorities has changed. I can no longer be the go-to girl for the half day gigs. I don't want to be the person with no-ego, who is just looking to network. It is fine, for a month or two, but not for 5-6 months.

I want to make something of myself. I want to be a person of status. I want to have a proper career. I don't want to suck up to a whole bunch of people to give me a job anymore. I want to only take the jobs I deserve. I don't want to work for free or for very little money.

Time is really money. It must be worth money. The job I do must be worth my time. I'd rather spend my time reading books and writing blogs than fill dishwashers. Cause guess what? Filling up a dishwasher isn't helping me network with anyone. Instead, even the assistants start pitying me or start pushing me around. F-that! If I read books, at least I would nurture my creativity, keep my sanity and the little pride I have left. That way, I might be poor, but at least with some pride and hope for the future.

So, "what now?" you might ask.

Immediately after I came to this realization, I have started writing down the list of things I am looking to accomplish either this year, or in this lifetime. A pattern emerged. I realized, I still need my time to check things off my list. So that is what I am going to do: check things off my list.

Since this decision, I have been selective with my gigs. I declined low-life gigs TWICE in the past week. I no longer worry about "if they don't call me back." Cause you know what? They need ME to fill that crappy assignment, as much as I need THEM to get me one.

Let's see if I can stick to my gut for a week and work on that to-do list!